.....

The way he brings himself. Makes me respect him and see him as part of me. I don't know why but that is how I feel. Even though sometime I feel a bit inferior, but I guess that is what a woman supposed to have. Tidak melebihi the other half (lelaki lah) so that we could be with him with full of respect.

Tidak seperti dulu, aku lebih dominant dari NHY. Aku yg akan plan semua benda. Aku yang akan bagi cadangan. Aku yg bagi options. Aku yang bagi solutions. Aku yang selesaikan masalah. Aku juga yang buat decisions.Itu membuatkan aku lost respect. Mungkin niat dia baik which nak bagi aku lebih on semua benda and serahkan everything to me. Tapi bagi aku,that is not how it should work. But I did not deny, he did treat me nice though. And bukan itu main reason we broke off. Aku tak pernah salahkan sesiapa dlm hal kami. Ok cukup. It's over. Fullstop.

With him, everything is different. When he talks, he talks with knowledge. When he makes promises, he walks his words. When he decides, he decides with confidence. When he says he loves me, I could feel my heart beats.

I heart him, Enuff said.

AT LAST

Lots of things happened lately. I wish to cherish everything here but well, being a lazy bump hinders me to do so. Hah.

Pangkor Vacation

It was my best vacation so far. Not that the place is super best sampai meninggalkan kesan mendalam dalam siri aku ini.Aku kata pegi Pangkor pon, people were like 'hah Pangkor? Apa ada ka sana? ' Tetapi the moment we spent together made me feel so attached..We didn't do much in Pangkor. Semestinya bergamba-gamba dgn pebuh aksi vogue kononnya ;p We talked, we laughed, and we shared stories. Kenangan itu yang aku rasa tersangat berharga. Bukan senang kami nak bergather. And sesunggunya tinggal 5 org itu sahaja sahabats skolah who are still in bond. I miss u gals - Dil, Ject, Emeer and Enol. Walaupun korum ke Pangkot tak cukup sorang, but takpe. Make sure you are on board for next vacation k Enol!

Labuan-not-so-business trip




And oh, I went to Labuan last week. It was supposed to be a training workshop. But being in Labuan for the first time kan, maka menjadi lah ia satu vacation yang tidak diplan. Ehhe. Even though the schedule was quite tight I would say, tetapi kami berjaya mencuri-curi masa untuk bershopping sampai nak balik naik cab pon aku dah takde cash in hands. Ermm that is normal actually because I very rare bring cash. And at the same time aku amat tidak menyukai memakai credit card unless melibatkan hidup dan mati. Hah what a statement kan. I am used to use debit card semasa di Oz dulu. Safer kan, but definitely could not be totally applied in Malaysia because it's not our culture to pay RM5 of goodies using debit card. Nak kene sumpah seranah ngan cashier, ha silalah cuba.

Another thing that made my Labuan stay was more meanigful, exciting and tidak bosan adalah kehadiran Encik MNI di Labuan. And mind ya it was a surprise ok. Dia adalah selalu begitu. Suka-suka hati, selepas itu called aku kata dah check-in di hotel dan berada bertentangan dengan aku (sebab masa die bgth dah sampai itu, I was at the pool area, which is just nearby his room). Aku dengan panic naik atas tukar baju and bersiap nak nejumpa chenta hati. Hah. Aku kan ada sedikit clumsy. Blueek.

Discussion bersama Encik MNI



I've mentioned in my previous entry, aku adalah sudah prepare untuk meninggalkan zaman single aku kan? The main reason is aku rasa tak manis and kurang selesa berkepit ke sana sini with Encik MNI without any ikatan. He comes back bukan selalu di KL. Once he is in KL, of course we would want to spend time together kan. Tapi itulah, agak tidak sopan kalau ke sana ke sini together until late. Tapi kami berkepit jugak. Aku ni dah la byk dosa, betambah-tambah plak lagi asyik bekepit sana-sini.. Maka better to have a legal realtionship kan. That is my main thought.

But I never talked about this with Encik MNI, sebab takkan aku nak cakap kan. Bagi hint pun aku tak buat, sebab as I said, aku adalah amat lembat dan slow when it comes to relationship begini. And know what? We finally discussed on this di semasa di Labuan. Even though it was not a lenghty discussion about our future, but it was good enough to make me feel secure. According to Encik MNI, he planned us to get married next year lepas raya.The benchmark is October. Hah lama lah lagi kan becoz there are so many things to be thought of. Especially on our financial. I admit, aku kawin ialah mmg totally on me. My parents hanya akan support perbelanjaan picisan sahaja. I have to spend on kenduri,mak andam, kad yada yada yada; everything would be on my own. Encik MNI jugak begitu. He also berterus terang yang dia kene bear all the wedding costs. And we have to understand each other on this. Al-maklumlah kami dua-dua anak sulung.

On engagement pula, aku pada asalnya takmo bertunang. Even my mom does not encourage it. Adalah menjadi impian mama nak buat kenduri aku 3 hari back to back.Day 1 - engage, Day 2-khatam Quran & nikah, Day 3- sanding. But after aku fikir-fikir serta do some readings, I decided to get engaged. Berdasarkan pembacaam aku, adalah disunatkan utk bertunang at least 6 months before kawen. My reasons : Mmg betul akan ada bnyk sangat dugaan di alam pertunangan ini. Tapi itulah yg akan menguji kesabaran dan kekuatan satu relationship itu.Kalau tak bertunang, aku takkan rasa suma itu kan. The fact that me and Encik MNI had being together for only 5 months (official); 8 months (unofficial), makes me to know him better. Lagipun bila pegang title tunang org ni, the feelings ialah lain kan. Marriage is a big thing, to me we have to decide tersangat btol-btol. Kasih sayang, chenta are not everything. Kena tengok jugak keserasian, compatibility, persefahaman and semua-semua lah.

Encik MNI ialah planned to betunang awal next year. He claimed bertunang pon at least kena spend like RM5000. Gilo apekah bertunang sebanyak itu? Dia adalah freak out dengan his cousin's engagement yg abes hampir RM6000. Aku bgth dia, I just want a simple engagement, hantaran biasa-biasa saje, and I don't want us to spend a lot on engagement. Because the most important thing is the wedding. Baik duit tu simpan untuk wedding kan. Hermm..we have not finalised on this yet. Aku ni mmg planner-minded, walaupun plan itu melibatkan waktu yang mcm ermm more than 12 months lagi.Ekeke. Kalau boleh everything yang diplan haruslah rigid, firm and objective. Because barulah boleh organise budget, timing and semua-semualah. Pecaya atau tidak, aku pernah baca, kalau we plan the wedding a year ahead, we could reduce the expenses by 30-40%. Sebab we have time to buy things masa sale, to do all the surveys and compare the prices.Sebab itulah bagus if we start planning awal-awal. That is my 2 centslah kan. Takdelah nanti suma last minutes and beli barang dgn harga yang rocketing high. Tetapi biasalah lelaki kan, Encik MNI ialah meng-plan tetapi agak subjetive lah. Maka aku akan buat all the details. Lihatlah nanti. Hohoho. Kang aku jadik macam Wir kang. Wir ialah sahabat baik aku yg nak kawen next year, and dia dah ada suma lists of price comparisons and macam-macam lah..Sgt semangat bukankah? Hoh.

Being pathetic me, I have to do my office work on Sunday. Naseb baik ada blog ini sebagai selingan semasa membuat kerja. Ok Back to work.

NEXT VACATION : Tioman 25/07 - 28/07 . Bersemangat, excited and I really can't wait. Encik MNI akan pergi bersama :)

KAU DAN AKU

Cinta adalah penyakit manakala perasaan adalah kumannya.. Perkahwinan pula merupakan penawar segala penyakit cinta..
Hanya hati yang dapat menilai erti cinta sejati. Dengarkanlah kata hati dan cinta sejati tidak berlandaskan nafsu kerana ia adalah suci, lahir dari kasih dan sayang..
Kata pujangga cinta letaknya dihati. Meskipun tersembunyi, namun getrannya jelas sekali. Ia mampu mempengaruhi fikiran sekaligus mengendalikan tindakan kita sehingga kadangkala kita melakukan hal terbodoh tanpa disedari.. "

This is not written by me. Oh I am not that good to bermadah-helah in ermm such a tersusun ayat-ayat seperti ini. The credit goes to my best buddy En Assan who wrote this to picture my life. Sempena apakah? Sempena dia berkata aku ni sepatutnya sudah kawen pada ketika ini. Atau paling tidak pon, patut berkahwen dalam masa terdekat ini. Hah.

If u ask me on marriage, frankly I am ready for that. Not to say I am so miang nak kawen, but ke-ready-ness itu sudah ada. I am ready to leave my single life, to leave my hu-ha kehidupan and to start think of life as two, not only me. Not only two la, later jadik 3,4,5,6. Sape kawen takmo anak lah kan. Muaahaha.

Somehow, I do think at the age of 24 ini, it's not the time when you want to spend time to bercintan-cintun lah bagai. It's so true that we have to know the other half very well before we decide to commit, but if you think of it, when do you think that you already know him totally? What is the bench mark? Are you saying TIME? Nope I totally disagree. Kalau katakan dengan measurement masa kau kata kau kenal lelaki/perempuan itu, abes previous relationship aku yg bertahan 9 tahun tu ke mana perginya? Aku abes kenal ke NHY itu? TIDAK. Aku still tak boleh kata aku kenal dia sepenuhnya. To me, TIME does not matter.

And alasan org kata tak ready tu, hermm entahla kan. A fren of mine yang benama Rapijal told me, we will never ready unless we step out from the comfort zone. Meaning until we enter the marriage life. Masa itu secara automatiknya, we will get ourselves ready. In terms of financial, mungkin kene tgu cukup ongkosnya la kan, but if you are saying mentally la ape la, then i wonder how are going to bench mark that.

If u ask me, what makes me think Im ready for a marriage, I would say because me n Encik MNI, i feel so attached to him already and I want it to be legal.Tak elok kot kalau selalu together but takde ikatan apa-apa,bukankah? And we are so freaking close. If he is here in KL, we will berkepit ke sana-ke sini tak hengat dunia which makes me sometimes to feel uncomfy. Memanglah kalau boleh I want to spend every second with him, to treasure every moment as special as we can because aku tersangatlah appreciate his presence. Tapi semua ni ada batasnya kan. Memang la takde benda-benda pelik berlaku,nauzubillah, mintak dijauhkan. But still kuar sana sini bersama, selalu sgt pun tak manis kan.Bnyk lagi la dosa aku. yg sekrang ni pun tak tetanggung. Ntah bila aku nak berubah eh. Maka kan lagi elok if we could complete each other's life in a legal way. Mungkin itu akn jadi turning point aku ker and lg senang aku ni nak berhijrah ke kan. Macam itu lah kiranya pemikiran aku pada ketika ini. We never talked about this before. And I wonder if he thinks the way I am thinking.

Apa-apa pon, aku semakin yakin yg aku dah 100% lupakan NHY.  Yang ada just ingatan aku sebagai kawan dia. Rasa cinta? Tidak ada lagi. Rasa syg? Pun tidak lagi. Just rasa sebagai kawan yg pernah faham dan menghargai aku dulu. Tak lebey dari itu.

Haihh entahlah. Kehidupan adalah complicated that sometimes we have to think it in a very simple way. Herm.. ntah memasing ada pendapat sendiri.

Period.

THE DAY I GOT HOME AFTER 8 DAYS BEEN AWAY

God knows how I much I miss him already. Padahal he just flew back to Miri this evening.

By the way, I just got back from KKP 2008. That is our annual event that bonds all staffs through sports, performance and etc. I was selected to represent our contingent in ping pong and netball. but too bad. I was more interested to dance and perform with the performance team.And there I went, and no regrets, the team was superb. Semuanya ada sikit mereng, tetapi tersangatlah happening ok.

The sad part, we lost. Because of certain issues. Alaa biasa lah kan, we hold the 1st place for 2 years already. Of course people would mencari kesalahan so that we would not win. And itu lah yang terjadi. Kata kitorang salah tema, padahal dalam policy tuh, it was clearly written 'movies night out I.E drama tari. So are we obliged to do drama tari. Itu adalah contoh sahaje kan. Suka hati kami lah nak buat something else which was not drama tari, as long as we included the movies night out theme. Right? We know we are correct. Hah. Walaupon kalah, we know we lost with pride. The whole crowd agreed that we were supposed to win. Sampaika Harith Iskandar (the emcee for that night) kata, "Are you sure they are not professional dancers? I can buy that" .Ohhh we danced like the professionals ok. Take that as a fact. Hah.

I'll write more on the KKP later. Because I am still waiting for the photos. Macam Diva ok. Diva at the Las VEgas because the costume, the make up.Kesemuanya adalah di-exaggerate.

I was performing sangat besungguh-sungguh lah kan. Kerana apa? Kerana ialah MN tiba-tiba told be he would come back and will be watching me performing. Like what? He was supposed to come back on Friday( which means tak sempat tgk my show). But he came back on Wednesday instead. Maka sempatlah melihat show itu. Even though aku ala-ala malu, tetapi hati ni melompat-lompat gembira ok.Wheee ! Patutlah last week masa dia nak balik Miri tu dia kate ," What if kalau saya tgk awk perform nanti?" I was like, " there's no way awk akan tgk kan. Awk kan sampai KL after performance tu habes." And after that MN tesenyum sinis. Ohh patutlah, dia memang tau die nak balik and sempat tgk show itu, Heh.

Ok bercerita tentang kesedihan hati pada malam tadi.

Last nyte was the KKP grand finale closing. MN and I planned to go together lah kan, of course. But suddenly on last Friday, he asked me to get more tixs sebab he wanted to bring his family as well. Me being ok je lah, knowing that MN dah jarang balik to his hometown, asyik lepak KL je kan. Heh. Since the family was at the grand finale as well, I changed my mindset lah. Of course he would spend more time with his family kan, and I would not join them. Even though aku dah kenal and pernah jumpa his family, i am not yet ready kalau nak stay with them during the event. Blom berada dalam their comfort one lagi.

Tengah aku duduk-duduk kesedihan (sebab MN was not with me kan), he texted me. The sms went like "
Yang, sy kat blkang ni, sebelah kiri stage. Dtg lah sini jumpa mak sy :) " Aku telambat baca sms tu, after a while MN dtg kat aku and tanye "Awk nak jumpa mak syg tak?" He was expecting aku dah baca sms dia la kan. Tp aku tak baca lagi pada ketika itu.Aku mcm blur2 je lah, then he went away gi kat family dia smula. Sesungguhnya aku tersangat kecik hati lah kan. Sebab:

1) Ada ke dia ajak aku jumpa parents dia, anta sms mcm tu jer. Takkan la aku nak pegi to the family sesorang and join them tetiba. Isn't that weird? MN sepatutnya dtg pada aku and ajak aku gi jumpa family dia, bukan text-ed me macam itu.

2) Walaupun dia dtg pada aku lepas dia text-ed me, dia tanya aku plak whether nak jumpa family die or not. Dia sepatutnya ajak aku like " Jom ikut sy jumpa family sy" bukan " Awk nak jumpa family sy?" Does that make sense? Kami ialah masih baru dalam relationship, kalau he asked me nak jumpa atau tak, of course aku akan agak berat ati. Tapi kalau dia ajak, of course aku pegi jumpa dgn rela hati.

Maka dengan itu, aku declare merajuk buat pertama kali dalam relationship ni.Tak pernah aku metajuk before ni, sebab aku kan suka berfikiran rational.Heh. After MN's family balik, we went for movie. Tp aku diam je tak bnyk cakap pun. And aku tau MN TAK TAU aku terasa. Lelaki kan..they don't read our minds.

Sampailah ke pagi tadi, aku nye keterasaan masih lagi ada. Tp semalam MN asked me, aku menangis ke dalam keta. Sebab mungkin dia perasan aku asyik temenung and muka sedih. Tp biasa lah perempuan, aku cakap aku ok je,Padahal tak ok pun. Pagi tadi baru aku bgth yg aku terasa bla..bla.bla.. He was kinds shocked lah sebab tak sangka kot aku bole terasa benda camtu.Naseb baik dia mengaku yg dia sepatunya dtg pd aku ngan bawak aku jumpa family dia. And naseb baik MN mintak maaf n pujuk aku. And naseb baik aku dah sejuk ati sikit and senang je ok smula :) Dan kami kembali ok.

I understand MN tak open sgt pasal our relationship with his family, Maybe because of his past experience. Aku jumpa family dia hari tu pon, macam tak plan and secara tiba-tiba. That's why aku macam agak segan. But kalau nak diikutkan, aku ni yg sepatutnya tak reveal sgt our relationship pada family. Sebab the whole family (mama papa makcik pakcik atok toknek tokchik saaaattuu kampung) semua tau aku adalah together with NH. And they expect kalau aku kawen, sememangnya dgn NH. Aku nekad je open up pasal MN to my family kecik ngan family rapat2 sebab nak ubah their mindsets about NH. Compared with MN nye past experience, aku tau aku punya past lagi bnyk impact sebenarnya. Tetapi aku respect je apa pun decision MN.

Apa-apa pun, aku tetap syg MN and am hoping for a bright future with him. I don't know why, but I could see him as my better half . Hope everything goes well even though we just started.

AKu lapa, mahu makan. Taa~

BEAUTIFUL

Beautiful. Awesome. Fun. Appreciated. Loved.

Words are not enough to describe how I feel. It's so beautiful that I am not able to put it into words.

Me: Kesian saya, tak dinner. Suma org keluar mkn, but sy tak rasa nak mkn pon.

MN: Alala..kesiannye.Esk saya teman awk dinner k.

Me: Elehh awk jauh. Mcm mana nak teman mkn.

MN: Kalau betol saya teman awk mkn, awk nak buat apa?

Me: Saya blanje tomyam.hahaha.

MN: Tom Yam? Sya dtg dari seberang laut awk nak banje tom yam? Hhaha.

Me: Naseb saya nak banje tom yam, kalau awk yg kena banje sebab nak dinner ngan sya? Hahaha.

To my surprise, MN betul-betul balik last Thursday. Boleehh??Tak percaya ok, but he came back. Really. But we met up only for late dinner on Thursday because he had to rush to Perak on Friday morning.

His meeting was supposed to finish on Sunday. Today lah itu. But being sweet, he cabut to KL yesterday as an effort that both of us could spend more time together. OMG I'm touched. The company paid for hotel in Perak until Sunday, but he came back to KL and spent his own bucks for hotel in KL. I felt the guilt and told him that I appreciated all he has done.

I did tell ya that to start a relationship all over again,it does take time. Long time I would say. Somehow, after few months being with MN, I feel comfortable and I love him even more days by days. I never thought of loving somebody else other than NH, but the truth is I AM SO IN LOVE with MN. Thank You. Hehehe.

I would say, I feel easy to get along and feel belonged to MN, because he made it easy. Being grounded at the initial stage,tu yg buat aku rasa MN itu super slow. Tetapi semangnya dia slow pada awalnya sebab MN bukanlah type yg womaniser atau sewaktu dengannya. But after we started and went steady, he's being sweet ok. I don't want to compare him with anyone else, because he is special on his own way. The most important thing, I feel loved and appreciated.

Walaupun MN itu adalah bukan type yang suka call aku setiap 2 jam ke apa, or 4 hrs or sms me sampai jari-jemari pedih, aku tau dia ialah seorang yg ambil berat dan penyayang. Dulu memang aku agak terasa la kan, dia sangat jarang call aku, tapi menjadi routine utk begayut sebelum tido. Itu sahaja. Maknanye, 1 hari tu tak contact lah, just malam je wrap up semua. After a while, I started to understand and accept his way. I have to admit that MN ialah super duper busy. So better for him to settle suma benda lain, bila dah settle down, baru call aku dan berborak panjang, Actually I am also the type yg tak suka masa kerja aku kena kacau, Konon nya taknak mix up work and personal la. Hahaha. Ermm it's just the feelings of tak professional if campur-campur ini. Hohoho. I am happy with our way ini, even though sometimes aku macam terasa rindu ya amat semasa bekerja, but aku simpan je la tunggu malam kan. Hehe.

And now he is gone to Miri again. OMG aku rasa nak menangis je tadi tau. Berat gila hati because I feel so attached to him already. The moment he walked away to the ERL tuh, aku macam nak lari je pada dia ok.

I miss him for God's sake.

And btw, oh aku tak blanja pon dia makan tom yam sebab dia brtul2 balik. Sebab ialah I didn't feel like having tomyam. I was mengidam for satay pulak, So we went for satay and it was on him pon. Hoho.

Syg, thanks for everything and God knows how much I heart you.

Goodnyte :)

PLEASANT WEEKEND

I was smiling the other day. And I am still smiling today =) Love is in the air. Enuff said.

He came back on Thursday morning. I felt blessed, complete. Period.

We were chit-chatting on Friday evening and I came up asking him whether or not he's going back to his hometown. And his answer flattened me out.

"Sy nak ajak awk pegi Bukit Tinggi esok."

Whee! Sememangnye aku flattered pd ketika itu. But buat muka tak pecaya, padahal aku tau he is serious even though dia akan terketawa-ketawa semasa becakap. Macam masa dia bgth dia nak balik. Memang aku tak pecaya, tp dia betol-betol balik :)

So there we went, spent the weekend, and it was great. The scenery is awesome , cuma akan betambah fantastic if the weather could be colder. Ini macam dekat KL je panasnya.

Whatever it is, yang penting aku terawangan.

Thanx a lot awk. I really appreciate that :) And I'm looking forward for our next vacation. Ehehe.

Now that he's gone. Way at the Borneo island, And i can't deny myself, that I start to miss him so badly already.

I am counting the days, for his next coming back.

SUNSHINE

Now that I could smile :)

It hurts when we feel being ignored by someone we would give our heart to. But it shines you out when you actually are not being ignored as if he wanted to ignore you. Pening? Aku pun pening dengan ayat sendiri :p

Dipendekkan cerita, I was feeling down since yesterday; for simply a small reason (but it bothers me obviously). Kerana ialah MN tidak meng-kontek aku selama hampir 24 jam. Patut ke tidak itu sebenarnya? Like I said, I am not really concern whether we talk a leghty hours, or even a quick 5 mins saying hi. To me, the thought that counts. Maka aku amat kesedihan semalam sampai ke hari ini.

I went back from the office pretty early because I know the fact that bonus tahun ini akan dikerat. Tidak mungkin akan menikmati 4 bulan bonus. Ntah-ntah one month jer. Sotong sungguh.

I cook, I did my laundry and relaxed my mind. Huh leisure. I loike.

I watched Korean DVD titled 'Seducing The Perfect Man'. My goodness, cerita itu ialah best ok. Buat aku terawangan-awangan dan berangan dah tak sedar diri. Tetapi hati masih sedih sebab MN masih missing in action.

Suddenly my Motorola buruk rang and it was MN.Aku terasa hati sebenarnya. Aku lagi senang bagitau je dia direct. Len kali kalau nak tertido pon,bgth lah nak tido. And oh ya, his excuse was - he fell asleep tertaksengaja. So tak call aku. Agak sedih dengan jawapan dia sebab aku kalau nak tido awal, aku bgth sesiap aku nak tido and say gudnyte.

Rupa-rupanya, MN saja nak memain ngan aku.

'Sy saje tak contact awk, sebab sy nak wat awk rindu, pastu kita boleh jumpa esok:)'

Ooo yeay, he's coming back tomorrow morning, YEAY~!! Oh, he made surprises rupa-rupanya.

Terus hati aku ter-heal dan takde luka-luka lah. Aku ni cepat je sejuk. But with the right way of course.

Ok peeps, so you know I am on leave during weekend. No gals nyte out- no movie outing- no masak masaking at home. Unless I would cook for him, which err hermm I don't think so. Because we would spend money out for those heaven food out there. I will cook for him someday. Kena masak things really special lah kan =)

Baiklah. Bila hati rasa gembira...lala..la

IGNORANCE

Ignorance is not bliss. It is not ok. At least I think IT IS NOT FOR NOW. Sebab aku selalu fikir ignorance adalah tersangat bliss. Tetapi tidak hari ini.

Pokok pangkalnya, kenapa aku rasa tak best itu? Musykil.

I think it already becomes a routine that we talk to each other every single night. Kerana ialah kami tidak berhubung di siang hari sebab kami respect each other punya commitment di tempat kerja, busy dan sebagainya. Aku pun tak kesah la kan, sebab aku pon tersangat busy sampai kadang-kadang rasa putus asa kat opis itu. Macam nak benti keja pon ada. Huaa.

To be frank, I think it is super duper necessary to talk everyday. Selama ini pandai plak amik turn, if ari ni aku call, esok dia call pulak lah, Tapi hari ni, telefon buruk aku tu tak berdering pon. Sadis.

I don't expect to bergayut 1-2 hours everyday. I understand, kita sama-sama kadang2 sampai kene bawak balik kerja kat umah. Pastu we need time for our own self. Atas dasar aku faham lah, aku tak kata pun yang kami sesungguhnya WAJIB becakap berlama-lamaan setiap malam. To me, only the thoughts that count. If you call me for only 5 mins pun, I already appreciate that. But don't be so ignorance until you actually hurt someone's feeling. Yup so the remeh-temeh thingy, but yet it is sangat penting for a long-distance relationship. Tolonglah faham.

I am in the process to understand MN. Mungkin dia jenis yang memang macam ni. Ikut suka hati dia jer. Tapi pada aku, tak boleh la macam itu sebab when we commit, kita kena jaga perasaan each other. AKu kalau busy macam mana pon, ada keje nak submit esok skali pon, I still will spare my time for him every night. And my prinsip is very easy. Suma orang ada 24 hours sehari kan? So pandai-pandai lah manage. Takkan nak jadikan alasan busy tu for every single flaw kita buat. Bukankah?

Entah. Aku mengomel kat sini kenapakah? Sepatutnya aku cakap direct dengan En MN. We agree to be transparent apa. Tetapi ialah aku malas nak bukak issue. Agak susah pada awal-awal ni, sebab we are in the process nak kenal each other nih. Memang bnyk la dugaan. Sabar.

Aku kena tido. Esok keja. Ari ni En MN tak call aku. Aku sedih, tapi aku kena jugak tido.

Sudah, Selamat malam. Tidur lena.

LET IT BE

I Cannot help myself from thinking about the past. Yes, i know that is so not cool especially what it's about the past relationship. I thought I could start fresh but somehow I feel like bench-marking someone. And that is wrong. Yup I admit that. Ok fine, I'm going here and there without a clear beginning. Let me crystal out things.

I just started a new relationship.Urmm it started 2 mnths ago. 23rd March to be exact :) I'm cool and I thank God loads for giving me this strength to start this whole new knowing-you-me-frens-family-everything thingy.It was hard. It is hard. And it will be hard.

If I were to talk about my past, i bet it would take weeks to write. And I'm not gonna do that because I'm trying so hard to forget someone and the past 9 years with him. Yes, I was with him for 9 years. Kalau ade anak, dah darjah 3 ok. Hah. We broke up not because of a strong reason. It was just 'i'm sick of you, and I think we are not meant for each other thingy'.You imagine, a relationship somehow would reach a plateau if you did not take any step further. The spark was no more in me and him, and we just could not be together. Ada saja benda tak kena here and there. Even a simple thing became a damn volcano. But it is so unfair to say it was a mistake we had made. He did treat me nice. So nice that I felt like I was on top of the world. Everything would be in front of me in a blink. No second. Just tell him. I know he loves me more than himself. He would put aside everything, just to prioritize me. I felt loved. So much love.

But things could not work out. It was so sudden. And oh ya, it was because this one biatch who also ruined our relationship. Maybe it was not his fault, but this one big thing between him and her, that I just could not get rid out of my mind.No matter how hard I tried. That big thing caused us to argue and fight a lot. It crushed my trust towards him. We could not cope to each other.The most reasonable reason we broke up.Simplified.

It's unfair for MN if I keep thinking about NHY. Oh MN is my BF and NHY is my ex's initial. The reason I accepted and had myself ready to commit with Mr.BF is I see him as the one who can guide me and be part of my life. And of course I admit that I started to love him already. Maybe not much as I was with NHY, but it is a good start for someone yg sudah trauma seperti saya. Believe me, it is so hard to get over a 9-year relationship. It's just difficult.

Frome the moment we commited, I promised myself not to think about NHY anymore. I have to get him out of my mind if I want to go serious with MN. Of course I want to. And I need Mr.BF's help on this one. Spare that for next entry.

I'm getting sleepy. Goodnyte.